You Know You're Desi if...

So, I was always struck how when I meet a fellow Indian (a rarity nowadays), there's really nothing we have in common except a wry, self-deprecating outlook on what it means to be Desi.

Okay, now after the initial moments of uncomfortable standing around, the Desi jokes inevitably start. I remember from my childhood in Santa Rosa aka Land of White Suburbia (as opposed to where I live now (Asian Suburbia), I would be stranded with my brother at some random Indian kid's house along with the offspring of the only other half dozen Indian families in the whole freaking city.

The evening would usually start with some boring as shit religious ceremony that no 8 year old could possibly begin to comprehend. All I remember was this one "Auntie" that always had M&M rice krispee treats, which she would routinely use to lure us poor suckers into the living room, where some protracted conversation about spelling bees or whose kid could name more world capitals would be in full swing.

The evening would usually be salvaged by one of the following coping mechanisms:
1) OD'ing on sugary Indian sweets, surreptitiously stolen from kitchen and hauled back to the room of the poor little bastard whose parents were throwing the "get-together."
2) Prank-calling complete strangers (although I think one time, some idiot actually called his own house...and his mom in the living room picked up and asked why he was messing around on the phone.)
3) Fighting over the ONE controller on the Nintendo or if you were the only girl in the room like me and never got to play... (bastards) spent hours watching some little nerd lose like 20 rounds of Duck Hunt in a row.

And while I shudder at the memories, there's a curious fondness that I, and I'm sure several other desi kids, have for these warped evenings. Even if I knew nothing about another Indian kid, a conversation could usually always be instigated by "Hey, your parents reuse tupperware too? With that yellow stain around the opening that can never ever be washed out? Sweet."

So, in tribute, I'm putting down the ultimate "You Know You're Desi If..." list. Several of the entries were found online, some are tailored to my own family's tradition (especially in the realms of tupperware usage), and others I know on good account from friends.

Oh, lest I sink into cliche-world and misinform any of you, I'm gonna put in the giant disclaimer about how a stereotype is just that, and if you believe everything you read you're a fucking idiot anyway...

Let the sharing begin... (note: I'm a little frightened about just how many of these apply to my own family...for the hell of it, I've indicated which ones do with a *)

You Know You're Desi...

1. When your mom comes home with napkins stuffed in her purse of the restaraunt she last ate at. *
2. When you become part of that viscious clan who recycles wedding gifts.
3. Take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No food allowed." (Hell yes, *)
4. Wear shorts with dress socks and tennis shoes.
5. Try to use coupons that expired 5 months ago and argue when the store doesn't accept them (Actually funny side note: A white customer at BR tried this, and after she left in an angry huff, I remember my mom, in a befuddled tone, said "I thought only Indians did that.")*
6. The famous: "hamburger, no meat; water, no ice; 3 cups; and 18 ketchups please."
7. Talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house. Then inviting them back in to sit and drink more tea, and then going through the same routine all over again. *
8. Taking 30-45 minutes deciding which indian movie to watch when it only costs 25 cents!...then asking for a refund when it sucks.
9. When people show up late to a function...just in time for the food!(Indian Standard Time). *
10. Plastic covers anything new in your parents' house whether it is the remote control to the VCR or the new living room couch.(* Not anymore, thank god but I have pictures of the old days. In my parents defense, I was a clumsy mofo as a kid)
11. They have one of these three cars, an Olds Cutlass Ciera, a Honda Civic or a Toyota Camry.
12.Your parents tell you to not care what your friends think but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think. *
13. You have a collection of used wrapping paper and bows that have been saved for re-use. *
14. Your bio-data and picture have been circulated more than on your resume.
15. Your parents won't let you attend college outside of your hometown because you might actually date members of the opposite sex. (* Oh believe me, they tried...then they realized their daughter's a nerd and there was no danger of that anyway)
16.You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever yo go. *
17. When you were little you always wondered why your American friends waited until after breakfast to brush their teeth when you did it first thing in the morning. *
18. Tongue scrapers are not a new fad to you. *
19. To your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid. * (I'll never forget one of my friends middle school coming over to my house and asking "Um...why do you have coconut oil in your bathroom?")
20. When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of each other. *
21. Your parents hate the British *
22. You have annoying nicknames like Chotu * (or in my case, nonsensical vaguely insulting ones like "Porraki" (which means "vagabond/beggar" in Tamil...I totally butchered the spelling)
23. People you call "uncle" always smell up the bathroom at parties *
24. If you aren't married and you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it's too late.
25. You have never met half of your extended family *
26. Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them
27. A horoscope must decide your wedding date *
28. Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day * (I'd say more like 12...)
29. You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot" (A-fucking-men to that)
30. Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried *
31. You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried. *
32. One or both of your parents skipped at least one year of elementary
school. *
33. Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.*
34. your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15 * (If I had a DIME for everytime that happened..lol)
35. you ask you parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing *
36. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry *
37. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. *
38. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids.***
39. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage." *
40. you know what's going to happen in every hindi movie before it happens *
41. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses *
42. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12
midnight to say, "In India, we studied even more." *
43. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the
street in any given area as long as they are Asian. *
44. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both *
45. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" *
46. your parents insist you marry within your race. *
47. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents *
48. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" *
49. At expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert.
50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. *
51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don't. *
52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift.*
53. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV. *
54. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to
school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. *
55. Everthing you eat is sauteed in garlic, onion and tomatoes *


I'll Leave you guys with the full ABCD definition:
A America
B Born
C Confused
D Desi
E Escaped
F From
G Gujarat;
H Housed
I In
J Jersey;
K Keeping
L Lotsa'
M Motels
N Named
O Omkarnath
P Patel;
Q Quickly
R Reached
S Success
T Through
U Underhanded
V Vicious
W Ways;
X Xenophobic
Y Yet
Z Zealous