RE-do! Existence is Suffering

My luck is not to be believed....my bad luck that is. I'm retaking physics 2.....there is NO justice in this world....when I saw my grade I actually had to think to myself "So....gee, all that pointless shitty busy work he gave in class....all those days I dragged myself out of bed to attend lecture faithfully....all for NOTHING." This is exactly the same feeling I got last December, when my O.Chem grade came in.....jesus, is it possible for me to have a happy holiday just once. I can't stand it. Is there a point in going for medical school anymore, I mean, I doubt any successful applicant has the kind of track record for screwing up their grade during finals day like I do. My transcript reads like a eulogy..."She took O.chem.....bombed it..." So now I'm at home, and all that energetic drive to study for the MCATs is basically sapped out of me, I HATE the fact that I have to do physics over.....and a part of me, is quietly saying "If you back out of pre-med now...just think, you can drop calculus, you can drop GENETICS, you can drop O.chem 2, AND now Physucks 2." And believe me, its tempting.....actually if I were an island and nothing I did ever affected anyone, this choice would be so easy there would be no actually reflection time. I'd drop my courseload like I bad dream, and cruise through getting straight A's in a long list of elective classes for my undecided major. But no.....the sad reality that is my goddamn life stares back at me, mocking my daydream, pre-med is here to stay. The fact is, my parents have so little to be happy with in their lives....with my brother constantly putting them on edge about one thing or another, I'm their saving grace.
I was actually sort of looking forward to getting my grades, got an A in almost everything....and might've even done decently in human phys.....but of course, just like last year, my parents will scan all the way and incredulously explain "PHYSICS....what-....what? HOw are you going to get into medical school with these grades!"....cough, how indeed? I can't understand where my supposed drive to succeed and punish myself by taking four sciences next term is coming from.......did my parents just indoctrinate me with the "immigrant burden" so early on that its integrated into my personality....or am I leaning towards the Buddhist philosophy that existence is suffering, and hence I must do "penance" for bombing physics by being more miserable than I've ever been next semester.
I guess I'm kissing goodbye study abroad....there's no way they'll let me out of the country, probably say "You spend the summer making your application good.....pay attention to it, don't mess it up like...Physics." Yes....I actually think I loathe physics more than O.chem. What an utterly infuriating subject....freaking magnets, and repulsive forces, and figuring out useless things like how far an Eastern European woman will fall if her plane explodes! Why am I doing so badly? It wasn't even like I had an incredibly difficult term....and if I can't even manage to handle taking two sciences at the same time....how the FUCK am I going to deal with four?! ....I need to leave the country, maybe fake my own death or something, just to get away from it all. I'm really tired of studying, and tired of watching other people do whatever they want and me always having to sideline my wants and aspirations to chase my parents' half-baked version of the American Dream.
I'm just depressed.....this sucks.

Cuban Rum = Truth serum = Introspection= Humiliation ....and back to cuban rum!

These past few weeks have been so strange, that I don't even really feel like recounting it all....but let's just say, last night resulted in one of the most surreal experiences ever. Essentially, I went to dinner for the purpose of getting information from this...person...let's call him Dental (don't ask, its early, I'm tired), and this person Dental has this really irritating habit of getting people to open up when its seriously....seriously in their best intentions to shut up. So last night, I innocently am eating my dinner (can't for the life of me remember what it was), but I do know that things were going as planned as I was told the disastrous effects of cuban rum. Okay....yes, I was embarassed as hell. Telling someone you find them sooooo irressistable or that their freaking eyes are blue or whatever else I said is bad enough, but when that person is sitting across from you assessing your reaction, its impossible to remain nonchalant. I need a class on schooling my expression into one of bored disinterest....but regardless, apart from downing 30 cups of water, I'd say during Dental's recount of the party's events, I held it together...somewhat. Of course, the whole time, I was thinking "Wow, great, he'll just chalk those random comments off to the crazed rants of a drunk person, we'll eat go home, and no one will be the wiser." HA! That apparently only happens in a world where things go my way....

Apparently inebriated people tell the TRUTH....wonderful, so in Dental's computer brain he's sifting through the DAMNING evidence. Meanwhile, after another round of question's, the conversation drifts into small talk....I begin to relax....like "Hey, he still thinks I like this OTHER person.....even super psychologist Dental won't figure this out...." Once again, do things EVER go my way? No... at some point Dental randomly goes
"Hey Nina, do you like me?"
I actually couldn't believe he asked me that.....my mind was going, "But...but wait, we were just talking about study abroad!....This isn't fair!" My subsequent 2 minute pause probably didn't help my case but miraculously I managed to bust out a "No" and then attempt to return to my food. Then of course, I had to ask him why he would ask something like that.....and I probably screwed myself over yet again because then he brings up a seemingly innocuous comment my roomate had made a few months ago when he came to visit the apartment. And that was when I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights, because after a frantic two minutes of trying to find a suitable explanation, I broke down like a Pinto in a snowstorm. Pathetic.
Ugh, oh the humiliation, told Dental the whole damn thing, and was fully expecting him to laugh himself into a coma....well he looked like he wanted to, but probably controlled himself because I was beginning to babble. ...Beginning, ha...okay, I was babbling the entire night. In any case, for his own part, he didn't make it worse, hell....I blame myself for not having run for the exit as soon as the conversation delved into "Gee, so your one roomate said....".
Undoubtedly, I'll get over this and everything, but the moral of the story: Introspection is a pain in the ass. Had I never bother to overthink this....I could've kept most of my pride. But noooo, I had to sit around wondering "How strange that I would notice these things about Dental..." I can't figure out whose more uncomfortable by this...him or me. Okay...me. But I'm going to attempt for the first time, to behave MATURELY, and fight the urge to avoid him at all costs (well that shouldn't be exactly hard...). Another moral: Confession is overrated.....and totally pointless. If I knew it would only render me in a state of sheer mortification, then why did I just go on endlessly. Well, I hope after all is said and done, that Dental and I are still friends and that behaving like a basket-case last night hasn't made things even worse. In my defense, being caught off guard several times tends to turn me into a nervous wreck....especially when it has to do with the F-word ("Feeeeelings"....ick).
So yes, that was my day.....I have nothing to say about finals....because they suck....and that never will change. But atleast, I have one more addition to growing file of "Stupid things Nina Says/Does that Defy all Logic."

I'll end with a random quote that always makes me laugh...

Clown: "Hello folks. I'm gonna skip right past the jokes and proceed immediately to the part where I throw pie at you."

Long-ass Survey: Proceed with Caution

Well, last night was certainly memorable, but I don't think I should reflect too much on it...atleast not today. So, I decided to put up the answers to a random questionnaire that I liberally "borrowed" from a friend, who borrowed it from another friend, and so on....so who the hell knows where these questions came from! Feel free to ponder/mock my answers, and realize that everyone secretly loves filling these out...

1. Full Name: ----
2. Nickname(s): Nina, Child Polygon, Neelu, Neela, PeaPoke (don't ask...my mom thought it up), Bear-Molester (yes...compliments of my roomates), Hair-ripper, etc.
3. Alias(es): SHHHH....
4. D.O.B. (Date Of Birth): 06/02/1985
5. What Is Your Sign: Gemini
6. What Do You Look Like: Salma Hayek clone!....no...dammit. 5'7, long black hair, brown eyes, brown skin.....I'm Indian....god I suck at descriptions.
7. Parents: Mom and Dad....there we go.
8. Siblings: Older brother Arun (or "Raj" as he likes to be called)
9. Job(s): Student, Chem UTU, Nationality Rooms office slave
10. Hometown: Cupertino, CA
11. School: Univ. of Pittsburgh
12. Favorite Subject(s): History, English, Law, .....basically anything that involves no math or freaking resonance structures (cough) OCHEM (cough).
13. Least Favorite Subject(s): Calculus, O.Chem, Genetics, anything that I feel is a waste of time.
14. Future School: something in NY way the hell away from my parents....and I go back to Cali, it'll have to be in San Francisco.
15. Future Goals: World Domination, muahhaha....no, for now, getting into med school will have to be it.
16. What I Want To Be/Do: Travelling biologist/activist/lawyer/globe-trotter/spy/doctor Yeah, um, I have no idea.
17. Best Friends: None
18. Special Talents Or Skills: Finding humor in almost any situation
19. Little Known Talent You Possess: This requires introspection....I don't do introspection.
20. Character Traits I Look For In A Person: Intelligent, funny, open-minded, independant, understanding, down-to-earth....
21. Favorite Color: Navy blue
22. Favorite Color To Paint Your Toenails: i don't even LOOK at my toenails....
23. Best Number(s) In The World: 2
24. One Pillow Or Two: 2
25. Pets And Names: A goldfish named Sic-Em Johnny the Third that was taken from me, another fish named Psycho who's staying with a friend....and the last fish Shut the Hell Up, sadly....died. ....god rest his soul.
26. Hobbies: Reading, writing, im-ing random people, tv, talking non-stop, laughing, activism, anything that catches my interest.
27. Collect: Dust
28. Dream Car: Never thought about it.....something with a great sound system, and won't kill me when I go over 10 mph.
29. Type Of Car You Drive: NOTHING....I don't have a license, god, must you people keep rubbing it in?!
30. Word Or Phrases You Overuse: "Freaking", (insert random movie/tv quote of the week),
31. Boxers Or Briefs: Hmph....what a misogynistic question.
32. Favorite Bras: Uh.....this could really be used against me. I think....something where the straps don't decide to cut off the circulation to my brain.
33. Bacon Bits Or Croutons: Croutons....if I have to choose one
34. Favorite Salad Dressing: Gag, salad dressing is horrible....actually salad sucks period.
35. What Type Of Deodorant Do You Use: Dove/I keep switching
36. Favorite Shampoo Or Conditioner: Herbal Essences-Mango/Guava/Avacado
37. Have You Ever Been Skinny Dipping: No
38. Do You Make Fun Of People: Unfortunately....yes, all the time.
39. Do You Get Along With Your Parents: Ha, if we use the very broadest definition of "getting along" then yes...I suppose so. But do I have my issues with them that will require years of future therapy? OF COURSE.
40. Have You Ever Been Convicted Of A Crime: Not YET.....
41. Important Lessons You've Learned: Vending machines hate me, I attract stalkers, and the military is scary as hell.
42. Toothpaste You Use: Colgate
43. Color Of Your Toothpaste: Hmmm....trying to think....failing....well, it's not PURPLE, that's for damn sure!
44. Color Of Your Toothbrush: Blue
45. Favorite Food: Chocolate
46. Least Favorite Food: Tofu, Mushrooms, Bean Sprouts, Quiche.....
47. Favorite Ice Cream: Cookies n' Cream
48. How Do You Eat An Oreo: It depends.....if I'm lazy, then I eat it normally. If I'm feeling creative, I crack pieces of the top portion and use it to scrape off the cream....ew, this sounds really gross now. Nevermind.
49. Do You Eat Chicken Fingers With A Fork: Have you people LOST your mind? NO!
50. Do You Eat The Stems Of Broccoli: I try to avoid broccoli whenever possible, but if forced, I think the stems are alright.
51. Do You Drink: No.
52. Favorite Drink: Mango Juice
53. Favorite Pop: It's soda people....SODA...S-O-D-A!
54. Coke Or Pepsi: Neither, the carbonation alone would kill me.
55. Favorite Flavor Of Snapple: Don't really like Snapple.....but i think the commercials are cute
56. What Is Your Favorite Milk: Chocolate
57. Who Are Your Crushes (They Can Be Famous Or Not): The real ones (past or present) won't be listed here for obvious reasons....but famous? Hugh Jackman, Stuart Townsend, Eric Bana, that really hot evil guy from Karate Kid part 3....cough. Okay, that was too much.
58. Online Crush: I refuse to answer this.
59. Boyfriend/Girlfriend or Husband/Wife: What the hell?! Can I have both? haha
60. Tattoos And Piercings: Pierced ears....but no "body art" for me thanks.
61. Favorite Town To Chill In: San Francisco
62. What Is Your Bedtime: I don't think I have one anymore.....damn college corrupting me
63. Favorite Perfume/Cologne: Lavender anything
64. Favorite Website: www.imdb.com
65. Favorite Sport(s): Tennis,
66. Other Sports: BORING
67. Favorite Sport To Watch: Tennis, salsa dancing, ice skating
68. Adidas, Nike Or Reebok: Reebok
69. A Non-Sport Game That You Excel In: Define "excel." I'm alright at piano
70. A Non-Sport Game Which You Enjoy: Thumbwar!
71. Silliest Person You Know: hmmm.....my friends are silly at times....i'm a bad influence, what can I say?
72. Say One Nice Thing About The Person That Sent This To You: Cough...I robbed this questionnaire fair and square dammit!
73. Best Advice Ever Given: No...how about worst advice ever given? oh I KNOW: "Confession is good for the soul." What a load of crap.
74. Coolest Experience: White water rafting
75. Funniest Experience: Too many to count
76. Most Humiliating Moment: Look, I'm try to keep them in that dark hole in my subconscious, and until I'm sitting on the couch with my future shrink, there's no need to air them out....although the worst involved Target, bra-shopping, and a very confused old Indian guy.
77. Scariest Experience: Discussing my future with my parents....
78. Scariest Thing You've Ever Done: Two words: Public Speaking
79. Most Romantic Thing That Ever Happened To You: Um...sadly, nothing. God forbid, I turn into one of those pathetic women that send flowers to themselves....shudder.
80. Favorite Thing To Do In The Summer: Movie-hop
81. Favorite Thing To Do In The Fall: Sleep
82. Favorite Thing To Do In The Winter: Stay warm
83. Favorite Day(s): Friday!
84. Favorite Month(s): October and June
85. Favorite Holiday(s): Halloween
86. Favorite Vacation: That one summer my parents took me to Haiti....sadly, most of my awesome travelling experience happened before the age of 10.
87. Denomination: ....??... ...I'm Hindu
88. Place Of Worship: Temple
89. Favorite Actor: Hugh Jackman, Kevin Spacey, Eddie Murphy, Wesley Snipes
90. Favorite Actress: Uhhh....nobody
91. Favorite Adam Sandler: Happy Gilmore ..."Can I help you with a SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
92. Favorite Cartoon(s): Spongebob
93. Favorite Type Of Music: 80's
94. Groups/Singers You Enjoy: Phil Collins, Lifehouse, Michael Jackson....
95. Favorite Song(s): varies with my mood
96. Favorite Music Video: music videos are stupid....but I always laugh at "Puttin on the Ritz"
97. Song That Describes Yourself: Every Breath you Take.....ah stalker song.
98. Favorite Musical: shudder...musicals
100. Favorite Movie(s): i'll fill in later...it'll take a couple hours
101. Favorite TV Show: See #101
102. Favorite TV Game Show: jeopardy.....i like feeling stupid
103. Favorite Part Of The Newspaper: comics
104. Favorite Comic(s): X-men
105. Favorite Thing To Wear: jeans
106. Favorite Book(s): Pride and Prejudice
107. Favorite Magazine: don't really read em
108. Favorite Fruit: mango
111. If You Could Dye Your Hair One Color What Would It Be: blue
112. If You Could Have A Tattoo Where And What Would It Be: Don't know...
113. If You Could Turn Into Only One Animal Real Or Imaginary What Would You Be: Black Panther
114. If You Could Meet One Person In The World, Who Would It Be: Martha STEWART...haha no jk....no clue.


115. Favorite Brand Of Gum: Wrigley's
116. Favorite Mentos Commercial: the one where that guy sits down at that bench and his pants are striped because the bench had wet paint.....yeah.
117. Is The Glass Half Empty Or Half Full: Depends on what was in that glass....
118. What Is On Your Ceiling: A crappy lightbulb
119. What Is Under Your Bed: I don't want to know.
120. Nacho Cheese Or Cool Ranch Doritos: Nacho Cheese
121. If You Were A Dog What Would Your Name Be: Killer
122. If You Were To Kill Someone, What Method Would You Choose: Lower them into a vat of boiling acid..
123. Are You Right Or Left Handed Or Ambidextrous: Right
129. If You Could Be Anything In A Kitchen, What Would You Be: Knife
130. Guys, Would You Ever Ask A Girl For Her Shirt? --
131. If You Could Be One Gardening Tool, What Would You Be: Um...a lawnmower, that counts right?
133. If You Could Do One Thing To The Person That You Hate The Most, What Would It Be: Humiliate them or systematically ruin their life. Cough.
134. What Do You Think Of Chain Letters: I don't understand the damn point of them.
135. Favorite Jell-O Flavor: Ugh....jello.
136. Do You Prefer Jell-O Or Mud Wrestling: Mud wrestling!
137. Favorite Body Part On/In You: On: My...legs? In: Kidney
138. What You Notice About The Opposite Sex First: Eyes, Smile
139. Favorite Body Part Of The Opposite Sex: Back and Chest
140. Best Place To Mess Around: I'm going to take the G rated version of this question and say the kitchen.....mess...with FOOD people! perverts...
143. Something You Hate: Oh yes there's a list; arrogance, tofu, being bored, when my bloody computer decides to die on me, depression, math (in any way shape or form).
144. Guilty Pleasures: Listening to really really bad music (like old tv show themes), sitcoms, General Hospital, chocolate, fanfiction, sleeping (wait....no I don't feel guilty about that).