Review of Outsourced: Wake up and smell the cardomom...

So I've been kind of lying low and not really updating due to laziness and partly due to my flea-sized attention span that makes me lose interest in events to write about five minutes after they happen. But, I've ending my hiatus out of an obligation to warn the movie-going public at large about Outsourced.

You see, I've been a movie addict since I was little and in that time, I think I've developed a sixth sense for shitty, middling scripts and movies. I know what you're going to say..."But Nina, didn't you sit through Mannequin 2 twice?" ...yes. I did, but that was different...it fell neatly into the "Guilty Pleasure" category where a crappy script and poor plot mechanics was ultimately saved by the movie's charm.

In the case of Mannequin 2, it had 80's nostalgia, a great soundtrack, and at least one member of the Brat Pack to render it good cheesy fun. Moreover, it was a story about a mannequin come to life...this movie wasn't pretending to be Citizen Kane.

Outsourced, however, is ripe with pretension. The movie is helmed by John Jeffcoat...if you can somehow get past the stupidity of his name, you can surmise within 10 minutes of watching, that he was inspired to do this rambling, insulting, cliche-driven travesty by a semester spent studying abroad in India.

The plot in a nutshell: Clueless, anal-retentive corporate jerk off (Josh Hamilton) goes to India to torment a call center into lowering their average call time to 6 minutes. He is, of course, lauded for his patience (is he the one making the calls? Dealing with the racism and moronic tech questions? Didn't think so.), and ability to understand the locals' wacky idiosyncrasies. His transformation from ugly American to enlightened man-of-the-people involves not only generously sharing his leftovers with the beggars next door but welcoming the sight of cows inside the call center, and the terrible inconvenience of having his name "Todd" mangled. You go white man!

The movie doesn't proffer even one reason why the audience should like this guy, let alone continue rooting for him while he sits there with that moronic expression of his as he stares down the horror of...gasp...POVERTY!

This movie reeks of Western paternalism. The list of things Todd finds repulsive about India just keeps going on and on and the way we, the audience, knows this is from the semi-constipated grimace on his face as he takes in the dust, the poverty, and the cows. Cows, everywhere, even in the call center!

Another running gag involves our brain dead protagonist getting his cell phone stolen and then returned by a street child. Our brave Todd goes from irritated to charmed as he realizes the child has decided to ignore the gnawing hunger in his belly, forego selling the cell phone, and intead exist solely to add a little "authentic indian poverty" to his trip. And gosh what luck, the chaste call-center Indian girl Asha has a one night stand with him in Goa while they discuss the Kamasutra! I'm sure Jeffcoat really patted himself on the back for the subtle construction of that scene.

You know when you watch something so fucking awful, you naturally assume that everyone must feel this way? And then I realized, this was all a buildup to Slumdog Millionaire hysteria and as long as you toss in enough colorful saris, bollywood songs, and poverty porn you'll have a rapt, salivating Western audience ready to confirm what they already think about the Third World.

This is what some esteemed film critics had to say:

"If Ayesha Dharker and the Kamasutra are waiting for me on the other side, outsource me up, Spock " Monsters and Critics

"This modestly budgeted, yet strikingly polished, independent film exudes such warm affection and respect for India and its people that we can reasonably wonder if a love for the country inspired the movie rather than the other way around." Film.com

"Todd decides to give in to India and embrace its foibles and beauty, the story takes off into less clichéd waters - and watch out for the Kama Sutra Suite at a hotel." JS Online

Yes, because nothing says "less clichéd" like Kama Sutra jokes in India.

In fact, the only critic with cojones had this to say:

"The clichéd humor here consists of turista diarrhea and linguistic and cultural misunderstandings along the lines of “Eat with your right hand, wipe with your left” and “What’s that cow doing in the middle of the office?” Todd’s wide-eyed yet capable replacement Puro (Asif Basra) insists Todd stay with his auntie, who quizzes him about his love life and pushes food. A street urchin keeps stealing his cell phone. Todd falls for a female employee named Asha (Ayesha Dharker). They spend a “Holiday in Goa”—her euphemism for a premarital fling—studying the Kama Sutra and generally exploiting one another and the cultures they represent."

Finally, some sanity!

This movie opened to such rave reviews for a few reasons. One, they made the main character ((or "the hero" as my mom would say), utterly nondescript in every way; from his name (can you imagine anything more boring and all-American than TODD?) to his "Hi, I'm an every-man schmuck at my corporate job, secretly dying for an exotic adventure." Of course, what foreign adventure would be complete without some sexytime with local women. Wow, it's like someone in India actually finds this guy appealing in some way. Two, they make it okay for white men (guess who make up the majority of business schools in the US) to project their Orientalist dreams onto an eager, welcoming local woman (played bravely by Ayesha Dharker.) It's the bleeding, pulsating heart of every lame study abroad fantasy. And just in case you missed the numerous watershed moments on Todd's road to Nirvana, everything is accompanied by sitar music. Everything.

Why was this movie even called Outsourced, when it was just a transparent attempt for Jeffcoat to trivialize and whitewash the whole issue? There's even this creepy boss-underling dynamic, where female lead Asha is set up to stroke Todd aka Mr. America's ego and stares back at him with childlike reverence when he throws a few compliments her way.

Todd: "I think you can do anything."
Asha: "Really?"

Yes. You can split your time sleeping with me in Goa and then get on back to your call station. And keep it under 6 minutes! .....Oh yeah, Asha, you can do ANYTHING.

Shut. It. Down.