A Nothing Entry
So, I haven't written in awhile...and it isn't because of laziness (at this point, the best reason for leaving a blog fallow), or even the absence of things to talk about. Rather...I've been simply unable to come up with an entry that places where I am right now, something all-encompassing that perfectly encapsulates my mental restlessness and confusion. Whoa. Yes, when did these high blog entry standards suddenly materialize? I mean, cmon, my last one was about STUDY locations for heavens sake. Lame. But in any case, I'm going to break with tradition, and delve into my personal life briefly,if only because I can't stand the thought of what will happen if I don't eventually do this, in some form or another (cue pity-fest part 2).
There is something about this last semester that has put me in a strangely reflective mood, which many people might condescendingly read as depression. (Actually, some feminist literature I was reading this week said that women are conditioned from birth to smile more than men, and hence when they speak about serious matters and cease to be Smiley McSunshine, men automatically assume something is wrong. Interesting huh?) It might be this clawing fear I have that, in a crazed moment of burn-out, I will bomb a midterm or tell Dr. Sherwin that he has the most consistently boring voice I've ever heard, on par with Noam Chomsky,...resulting in my failing one or more essential classes. Or the fact that, barring this scenario, I will graduate but have to face 2 more months of increasingly weird apartment drama (although really, it'd be hard to top the last 5 months folks), all the while studying for the LSAT aka my key to going somewhere other than University of Dumbshits Law School.
After June however, even with the wholly satisfying thought of spending my 21st away from the parents.... I'm still headed home to Cali. There's a note of finality to that even as I desperately weave dreams of Che-esque adventures in Latin America and, even more bizarrely implausible, Morocco. I'm simply incapable of facing a reality where it's just me and my parents, in a house, contenting ourselves with the age old topics of my future, financial difficulties, and my numerous failures as the child of immigrant parents...day-by-day for however long it takes me to scrape together this travel fund. I haven't lived that kind of reality since I was 16, and even then, I had the benefit of my older brother who was gifted at diverting their attention. I remember he once told me, "In the end, they've had enough of me...you're the one who left. They haven't had the time to work out their issues concerning you...and trust me they have issues with you." Thank you Captain Obvious.
It's a horrible thing to feel this kind of despair at the mere idea of living at home, but I feel as if I would have to be mentally anesthetized to, once again, deal with all the issues that made me leave Cali in the first place.
My dynamic with my mother has changed considerably since my first months in college... And now, we've reached the point where she will, of her own volition, call me every night...and unlike the past, where the conversation would awkwardly vacillate between silence and lectures,....she will really talk to me. Now, the facade of chipper indifference to her monotonous routine melts within seconds, and I become quickly aware of the fact that I've become her one and only confidante. And this is truly a dubious honor, as I simply don't know how to fix what's wrong in her life. I don't know why people choose someone like me; detached, spacey, and arguably ridden with some latent form of ADD, to confide their troubles in. I think perhaps I've only recently come to terms with accepting the role in a sort of reciprocal fashion with a few close friends...and beyond that, I am simply baffled at this seemingly random unspoken label I've been assigned.
Speaking of ADD, I believe I started the entry on how school was crushing my spirit? Or about...orangutans?
I feel guilty all the time for various things; skipping a class (usually because I'm studying for another class), avoiding a phone call, not being more focused on future goals, etc etc. I'm sure that's symptomatic of some deeper issues, one that I don't care to speculate about here.
This is definately a contender for "Most Emo Blog Entry of All Time." And this, ladies and gentleman, is how you stave off the toiling associated with higher education. Thanks blogspot!
Good god, I hope the next time I feel this introspective I'm far far away from a computer. Atleast for the sake of my poor readers in Plano, Texas.
There is something about this last semester that has put me in a strangely reflective mood, which many people might condescendingly read as depression. (Actually, some feminist literature I was reading this week said that women are conditioned from birth to smile more than men, and hence when they speak about serious matters and cease to be Smiley McSunshine, men automatically assume something is wrong. Interesting huh?) It might be this clawing fear I have that, in a crazed moment of burn-out, I will bomb a midterm or tell Dr. Sherwin that he has the most consistently boring voice I've ever heard, on par with Noam Chomsky,...resulting in my failing one or more essential classes. Or the fact that, barring this scenario, I will graduate but have to face 2 more months of increasingly weird apartment drama (although really, it'd be hard to top the last 5 months folks), all the while studying for the LSAT aka my key to going somewhere other than University of Dumbshits Law School.
After June however, even with the wholly satisfying thought of spending my 21st away from the parents.... I'm still headed home to Cali. There's a note of finality to that even as I desperately weave dreams of Che-esque adventures in Latin America and, even more bizarrely implausible, Morocco. I'm simply incapable of facing a reality where it's just me and my parents, in a house, contenting ourselves with the age old topics of my future, financial difficulties, and my numerous failures as the child of immigrant parents...day-by-day for however long it takes me to scrape together this travel fund. I haven't lived that kind of reality since I was 16, and even then, I had the benefit of my older brother who was gifted at diverting their attention. I remember he once told me, "In the end, they've had enough of me...you're the one who left. They haven't had the time to work out their issues concerning you...and trust me they have issues with you." Thank you Captain Obvious.
It's a horrible thing to feel this kind of despair at the mere idea of living at home, but I feel as if I would have to be mentally anesthetized to, once again, deal with all the issues that made me leave Cali in the first place.
My dynamic with my mother has changed considerably since my first months in college... And now, we've reached the point where she will, of her own volition, call me every night...and unlike the past, where the conversation would awkwardly vacillate between silence and lectures,....she will really talk to me. Now, the facade of chipper indifference to her monotonous routine melts within seconds, and I become quickly aware of the fact that I've become her one and only confidante. And this is truly a dubious honor, as I simply don't know how to fix what's wrong in her life. I don't know why people choose someone like me; detached, spacey, and arguably ridden with some latent form of ADD, to confide their troubles in. I think perhaps I've only recently come to terms with accepting the role in a sort of reciprocal fashion with a few close friends...and beyond that, I am simply baffled at this seemingly random unspoken label I've been assigned.
Speaking of ADD, I believe I started the entry on how school was crushing my spirit? Or about...orangutans?
I feel guilty all the time for various things; skipping a class (usually because I'm studying for another class), avoiding a phone call, not being more focused on future goals, etc etc. I'm sure that's symptomatic of some deeper issues, one that I don't care to speculate about here.
This is definately a contender for "Most Emo Blog Entry of All Time." And this, ladies and gentleman, is how you stave off the toiling associated with higher education. Thanks blogspot!
Good god, I hope the next time I feel this introspective I'm far far away from a computer. Atleast for the sake of my poor readers in Plano, Texas.
